GEEZUS O' DA WEAK--May 1, 2010

In the prophetic and apostolic tradition of ridiculing the ridiculous and scorning the superficial, I present to you this week's example of the god of the refrigerator, the deity of the dashboard:

BUDDY GEEZUS NUMBER 1.

The  Buddy Geezus is unique among all the categories of geezi we've studied here at Al Tosap. It's the friendliest one of all. The point of the Buddy Geezus is to remind us that God isn't all that different from us. In fact, he's our buddy!

Tickle fight!

GEEZUS O' DA WEAK--April 19, 2010

In the prophetic and apostolic tradition of ridiculing the ridiculous and scorning the superficial, I present to you this week's example of the god of the refrigerator, the deity of the dashboard:

HUNK NEXT DOOR GEEZUS NUMBER 3.


The standard for a geezus being officially designated Hunk Next Door Geezus is very high. Any Hunk Next Door Geezus has to exhibit a sexiness in tune with current trends in date movies, but has to look a little older than a member of the latest boy band. Girls must want to talk to any Hunk Next Door Geezus and every young guy has to want to look like any Hunk Next Door Geezus. As a result, a geezus may achieve the title of Hunk Next Door Geezus and then lose it as Hollywood and pop music change and it becomes like all lame and stuff you know. So the contemporary status of the Hunk Next Door Geezus is just as important as the actual looks of the geezus.

Hunk Next Door Geezus Number 3 achieves both wonderfully and I think Hunk Next Door Geezus Number 3 will stay current for a long time.

WHY WE SHOULDN'T JUDGE JOHN PIPER--REALLY

Recently, there's been a huge flap over John Piper's invitation of a false teacher to preach at a conference. I think I jumped the gun a bit. As soon as I heard that Piper had sinned like this I thought he should be censored.

Fortunately, cooler heads reminded folks like me that before we insist that a pastor like Piper obey Scripture we should wait and see if the false teacher might be reformed by the experience of preaching in Piper's conference. Some even suggested that Piper might just have a "plan" and we don't know what that is.


Ridiculous? Well, let me tell you a short story from my past that really is true and plainly illustrates just how a preacher preaching one religion can accidentally convert himself to another religion just so long as we all wait to see:

My Really True Story That Really Happened, Really.
When I was still attending a Baptist church, the board and pastor invited a Big Wig from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses to preach an evening sermon. AND just as you'd expect, for weeks before the appointed time all the little old busy-body ladies and the men who were self-appointed leaders of the more-biblical-than-thou crowd were in a fit. The pastor told them to wait and see. Fortunately for the pastor, there was no business meeting scheduled before the night the JW guy (Roger was his name) was to speak. I say that's a good thing because they were going to take a vote and they were hoping they had enough votes to fire the pastor or at least cancel the Spring Pastor Appreciation Potluck! And all that without waiting to see.

What a bunch o' bigots!

Well, when the night service came we did all the usual things, sing the hymns, take the evening offering--twice, etc. Under the Baptist facade, though, the tension was thick. I trembled with anticipation, antacids, and apprehension. I looked across the pews and could see that one old guy was ready to take notes to trap Roger in something he said. "What a jerk," I thought to myself. My heart was actually beating so hard I could feel it when Roger walked up to the podium.

He started by saying "good evening" and thanking the pastor for inviting him to speak and explain just why JW's don't believe Jesus was God. Jesus was a great and holy man. He was even a prophet. He just wasn't God. He was created.

That's went it happened.
All Baptist heck broke out!!!!! Four deacons rushed the pulpit area and wrestled Roger to the floor. Mics went everywhere, making electonic squawks and squeeks and thuds. Roger ended up with one deacon on each arm and each leg, carrying Roger to the baptismal. Roger was struggling, kicking, flailing. He had a bloody nose and an electic cord wrapped around one leg.

I heard one of the deacons cuss when Roger bit his hand.

Two other deacons headed for the baptismal tank and opened up the front. The pastor was already inside. The four deacons on Roger tried throwing him in the tank but couldn't. Roger fought hard. He didn't WANT to become a Baptist. The other two deacons headed in and helped. In went Roger, head first, yelling, wiggling, and not really happy. One of his feet hit Pastor in the face, breaking his glasses. Splash! Bang! Down went Pastor.

Water was slopping all over the place! Pastor and Roger came back up, sputtering and coughing. Roger was in better shape than Pastor. Pastor's glasses were hanging off one ear with one lense cracked and the other gone.

But Roger! You should have seen Roger. His face started glowing. He was giggling. Then he stopped giggling. Stopped breathing. Stopped like a statue. Slowly he started feeling his whole body from shoulders to knees as if he was looking for lost keys or checking for wounds. The whole place went silent...... Then Roger started saying something under his breath. No one could hear. Pastor leaned in, straining hard to hear. A fat lady up front leaned so hard the front pew fell over, spilling hymnals, Bibles, and unread-but-scribbled-in quarterlies. It was the only thing heard for what must have been ten minutes. You could almost hear yourself sweat. The deacons stood still, leaned, and listened. Eventually he spoke a little louder and a little louder..."Jesus IS God. Jesus IS God...." over and over slowly until he was shouting at the top of his lungs.

Soon the whole congregation was chanting with him "...Jesus IS God. Jesus IS God..." like they were in a strange sort of political rally. Ladies and deacons were crying. Pastor was speaking in tongues--yes, a Baptist pastor--tongues. The building was shaking, organ wailing "Just as I Am". Teenagers were being slain in the Spirit and small children were promising their parents never to be naughty again.

The next day the whole town was clean and fresh. The Kingdom Hall and the Catholic church were being boarded up and had for-sale signs. The bars were being demolished by wrecking crews and Roger had all the Kingdom Hall folks over at Pastor's door to sign up for new converts class.

So that's why I think we'd better wait and see if John Piper might have a secret plan to convert Rick Warren.

You never know.

WHAT!....why are you looking at me that way?.....it really happened....just like I told you......really.....I'm NOT lying....oh, shut up....you're a fundie, aren't you?......go away......I hate people like you......you could be more loving, you know.........

COMING UP: PART VIII OF THE LOST DOCTRINE. This wasn't planned, but the recent mess with John Piper and Rick Warren is a result of the rejection of the biblical practice of corporate holiness. The doctrine of holiness HAS been abandoned. As a result we can't do what Christians have done historically--get rid of wolves in the sheep.

GEEZUS O' DA WEAK--April 6, 2010

In the prophetic and apostolic tradition of ridiculing the ridiculous and scorning the superficial, I present to you this week's example of the god of the refrigerator, the deity of the dashboard:

RIDICULOUSLY UNBIBLICAL GEEZUS NUMBER 1.
This is an example of the Ridicuously Unbiblical Geezus. Now, you may say, aren't all geezuspichurz unbiblical, since they're idols? Yes, but the Ridiculously Unbiblical Geezus is an attempt to pretend that its geezus depicts some biblical scene or theme, as opposed to most geezuspichurs which make absolutely no pretense of being anything but fantasy. So, while pretending biblical sincerity, the Ridiculously Unbiblical Geezus is especially dishonest, because it pretends to be biblical and then ignores even the most simple of biblical facts.

Notice Ridiculously Unbiblical Geezus Number 1 is carrying a cross. With no blood, no nakedness, no torn flesh, no being spat upon, no mocking crowd, no prodding soldiers, Ridicuously Unbiblical Geezus Number 1 works because it helps us to imagine that we believe in a geezus who died.........but in a very un-messy way.

Neat!

BLESSED NEWS--I guess.

This is really great news. I've recently noticed that when I leave comments on some blogs they get saved right away. FANTASTIC!!!! The thing that worries me, though, is that they never seem to progress. They never get sanctified or baptized. No progressive sanctification.

Pray for my comments. I think they're carnal. Maybe they just prayed the prayer but weren't really sincere.

Hoping,
Phil Perkins.

IGNORANCE IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, I guess--Part I of II

I recently met a commenter on a blog. I'll call him "Bob". "Bob" is probably a sincere Evangelical. His view of scripture is very high as Evangelicals go these days. However, his view of actually studying the Bible is typically Evangelical. While he SAYS we ought to know what Jesus teaches, biblical knowledge is optional, at best. And those who spend the time and energy necessary to know the Bible are actually bad.

Read what Bob wrote and see if it's not the sort of thing you hear in your church:

Christianity is not about How much one knows about Jesus or believing How rich God wants us to be. Neither is it about claiming to know more than others or claiming that God speaks to them audibly or in person. It is not about thinking and living as we like or what we think is right or holy. It’s about dying to self which means not only in actions but in our thinking, bringing every thought to the obedience of Christ (i.e his teachings).In short it means complete obedience and full surrender to Jesus the Christ. What we think or believe or hope is not gonna save us even if we have faith that can move mountains unless we abide in Christ (i.e live according to his word). He sent the Holy Ghost to teach us his will so that we may abide in him. So, any spirit that does not teach the commandments or complete obedience to Christ is not holy.
Lord I pray that you help us to understand the teachings of Christ that we may abide in HIM.

THERE. Does what Bob wrote sound familiar?

Well, if you're a Bob, this is my answer to you:

Bob,
Parts of your comment are VERY GOOD. The fact that we are to die to self isn't taught anymore. And the idea that we ought to bring our thoughts into line with Christ is both good and biblical.

Yet, I have some questions. One, if it's important to bring our thoughts into obedience to Christ's teachings, where did He say in His teachings that "how much one knows about Jesus" isn't vitally important? Is that one of His teachings?

Two, if it isn't important to know about Jesus, why do we speak the gospel? It's about Jesus, after all. Can folks be saved without knowing about Jesus?

Three, when did Jesus say we are to be rich at all? He and His disciples blew that one. So did Paul and most of the Prophets.

Four, if it isn't important to know as much about Christ as possible, why did God send "the Holy Ghost to teach us", as you say? What is He going to teach us, since knowledge isn't all that important?

The truth is that Christ came to die for our sins and to be the Light of the World. Light in Scripture is a metaphor for the giving of knowledge. If you are a saint, your number one job, after sanctification, is to become a Bible student.

The word "disciple" means a learner. We are ordered to make disciples--students. What do you do with that? Throw it away?

Christ, through His Holy Spirit, said in Psalm 119:9-11, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Thy word. 10 With all my heart I have sought Thee; Do not let me wander from Thy commandments. 11 Thy word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against Thee."

So, while you've disparaged biblical knowledge, you've actually done even worse than that. You disparaged those who have done their homework. You said, "Neither is it about claiming to know more than others..." Actually, that IS IMPORTANT.

Do you have any idea how many hours it takes to become fluent in Scripture knowledge? I can tell you almost no Evangelicals, including their pastors, do know. We know they don't know because they don't know their Bibles.

Scriptural knowledge is one of the qualifications for leadership, so comparing the knowledge of different brothers and sisters is mandated in the Scripture.

Did you know that? Do you even know where? Did you know why? If not, why not?

When was the last time you thanked someone who has studied the Scripture and put that blessing into your life? Christ, in His Scripture said we are to honor those elders who perform their duty well. You, Sir, have dishonored God's best servants.

Instead, you ought to seek their help.

Think about it.
Phil Perkins.

STEALING FROM SERVANTS

Boydmiller is a fellow I met on another comment line and he thinks we ought not give pastors, missionaries, evangelists anything to live on. In stead, they should "work with their hands" like everyone else.

No, wait. That statement's too embarassing because of a little thing called THE BIBLE. So now it's okay in Boydworld to give them something. Yes, we now have express permission from Boyd to give them "food and drink". Thanks, Boyd.

But, money is still bad.

So I asked if I should stop sending money to missions and start sending sandwiches and Koolaid.

I await his answer.

WORSHIPPING IN THE TRADITION OF NOTHING MATTERS

Celebrating the god of nonchalance.

The headline in today's Sunday Missoulian read, "Keeping Faith Casual".

Aaaah, isn't that sweeeet?

Reading the article about Grace Pointe church, it takes until the SEVENTH PARAGRAPH to read the word "God". And, no, the lower case on "church" isn't a typo. They, evidently, don't want to be identified with God all that much so they left "church" out of their title hoping you'd not notice they were religious until you'd already been put on the Committee for the Prevention of Stupid People Who Read Their Bibles Too Much. And you never read the word "Jesus", but I'm sure "God" is mentioned in passing, or under the youth pastor's breath when he has to clean up after the "Relational Teens" volley-ball-game-tofu-sundae-and-gospel-rap-concert-for-relevance-and-world-peace get together followed by the tattoo art and body piercing demonstration lead by the head of the local chapter of Hell Angels And Drug Paraphernalia Manufacturers For Some Unidentifiable Diety That Most Americans Call God Or Jesus Or Something. After all, talking too much about God would make them psychotic killers or something worse, like fundamentalists or Bible-thumpers, I suppose. Of course, you can find "relevant", "community", "faith", "unconventional", etc. No mention of the atonement or wrath or sin. However, Pastor Coler regularly takes up topics like slavery. Evidently, the slave trade's running just rampant in Missoula, Montana these days, what with the Montana cotton crop rotting in the fields.

Interstingly, despite all this unity and love, there's rumor of a raging doctrinal debate among them, for which I have yet to find solid documentation. (Or any for that matter.) Here's the burning question at the center of the debate:

"Is our faith mysteriously undefined and wordy or vaguely elusive and conveniently undetermined so we don't exclude anyone except real Christians?" Several families of whatever kind you prefer have already gotten up in arms and left the whachamacallit! Disappointed, Pastor Coler has been quoted as saying, "This sort of conflict is so unnecessary. I keep telling them doctine doesn't matter."

Just puking,
Phil Perkins. PS The above is a mixture of fact and errr...faith. On your part. The slavery reference is real, the newspaper is real, the name of the organization and the name of the pastor is real, and the lack of mentioning God, Jesus, and sin is real. Other things are a matter of your faith in my imagination. Oh yeah--the puking was almost real.

The Truth About The Virginia Tech "Massacre"

I find it really interesting to hear the folks speculate about just why Cho Seung-hui killed all those people at Virginia Tech. On the right we hear that if someone in those class rooms had just had a conceal-and-carry permit for a grenade launcher, then that student or professor could simply have set up the launcher, put the criminal in the cross hairs, pulled the trigger, and yelled "Incoming!!!" That would have been that.

From the left, however, come calmer voices. Voices of reason. Voices of wise women. Voices of men who wish they were wise women, but their insurance doesn't cover the surgery. Simply outlaw guns. Tougher gun laws keep people from being killed. We know that because men of integrity like Ted Kennedy say so all the time. And so does Dan Rather. And he never lies.

As it turns out, Virginia Tech (unlike the rest of Virginia) has the toughest gun law possible. No guns are allowed. Virginia Tech is a gun-free zone.

Here's the shocking truth behind this so-called massacre: It didn't happen. The government-media-military-Hollywood-Vatican-Trilateral-Commission-Illuminati-CIA-FBI-USDA-FDA-USPS complex simply faked it, like 911, in order to keep the citizenry frightened and in line. The fact is that since the school is a gun-free zone, we know this "massacre" didn't really happen at all. Cho, if he exists at all didn't really have any guns because he was in a gun-free zone. In fact, I have yet to see any real proof that there is this "Virginia Tech" where this "massacre" supposedly happened.

Maybe a guy should yell "fore" in a situation like that.

Nigerian Flags In Our Churches?

Did you ever ask your pastor why an American flag is right next to the pulpit? I did. Couldn't get an answer, either. I asked him if we weren't supposed to be worshipping the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel. Eventually I got some mumbo-jumbo about being a good citizen. When I asked if being a good citizen as a German Christian meant I had to put a Swastika up over the altar, the pastor got mad. He never told me why.

Nigeria has recently outlawed homosexuality. They seem to think law should have something to do with righteousness. I guess they never heard of Thomas Jefferson, who (according to liberal politicians and their constituents) said that righteousness and government could never have anything to do with each other. Nope, those Nigerians might be in the sun, but we Americans are the enlightened ones. We know better. In fact, we did the right thing. We got 250 of our best religionists to sign a petition telling the Nigerians that Christianity demands sodomites go unpunished. Stop the "persecution." (Yes, that's the word they used.) I noticed there was no petition for the Christians being slaughtered by Muslims in Sudan and Indonesia, or the Christians imprisoned in Canada, the US, and Britain for preaching repentance from sodomy. I'm sure those 250 nice folks, so concerned with Nigerian deviants, will soon get around to protecting Christians, too. Yes, I'm sure they will...any time now...soon, I'm sure...I think...

So anyway, the next time I'm in church and the preacher is in Leviticus, I'll just ignore him (or her) and look at that big old flag raised high above the altar and the Bible and wonder how long before God burns it down.

Sickened,
Phil Perkins.

Imagine

John Lennon wrote and sang a song called "Imagine." It was a lyrical depiction of a socialist, atheistic world as seen through the eyes of a man with pink ping pong ball halves covering his eyes. Soon it may not be so imaginary.

Imagine there's no churches
It's easy if you try
No church to go to
Meeting in our houses
Like the apostles did
Dying for our God...

Imagine there's no Bibles
Only the ones we hide
No place to pray in safety
And no singing praises
Except alone in secret
Living life in fear...

HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Lennon didn't tell us those verses. I guess he saved them for later, when we all drop the pink ping pong balls.

In Christ,
Phil Perkins.

The Problem Of Evil (the other guy's, that is)

The Problem Of Evil is a deep philosophical argument developed from a very sophisticated study of the deep human need to complain a lot. It sounds intellectual. It's just whining at the graduate studies level. To put it in a simple syllogism, we can state it this way:

A. I had a really bad day, what with disasters and war and all.
B. Therefore, there is no God.

I've often been assailed by unbelievers (and pouting believers) howling about how bad the world is and doesn't that prove there's no God. Tsunamis, earthquakes, fires, disease, despots, murderers, thieves, abusers of children...

"Yes," I say, "and which one of those are you?"

In Christ,
Phil Perkins.

"Low Self-Esteemers In The Hands Of A Girly God"

This great sermon by the Reverend Edward Johnson was instrumental in the revival of spiritual mediocrity in New England in the mid 1700's. Many secular and church historians claim it was the single thing that caused the So-So Awakening, which in turn spread like tiny, sedated turtles shining the light of the non-committal, non-judgmental, self-esteem based gospel of self-love unencumbered by doctrinal clarity or the power of God across several city blocks in less than a decade. To read it go to http://www.warmheartsluke.com.

In Christ,
Phil Perkins.